Happiness

Forgive me if this posting seeks a little self-indulgent. Also excuse any errors. I come off chemo today, and am not firing on 100% yet.

On September 11th 2008, when I was diagnosed with this brain tumour, my life changed utterly. I was extremely happy with life and "my lot" up to this point. But then on, I realised I would have to be "happy" with a lot less. The "happy" benchmark is a lot lower than it was eight months ago. Nevertheless, there are enough happy moments.

I do make myself get out and do things even though I feel like staying in bed. Thank God I made us go to the pub yesterday lunchtime - a real effort. The Beer Festival was an effort; the Rare Breeds Farm ditto. But if I do not, then the "happy" benchmark will not be reached! There is no point in being home and miserable all the time.

The other upshot of the tumour is stress. Up till then, I was stressed out with my first of year teaching. I know from those who were on the same course as I was how incredibly stressful this is. Well, my stress just went. I realised pretty soon that I would not be teaching for months, years, or even ever. And yes, this was a relief. Despite my health problems, I suffer little stress. Those around me, however, suffer much greater stress. Pity them.

One of the most frustrating this about the tumour is that it affects the brain. I think my brain functions at about 90%, but it can't get things across all the time. I just lose vocabularly when tired. Words like "doctor", "animal", "bulb" etc. It makes me come across as an idiot. That I hate. I am not stupid, or drunk - I just sometimes have trouble speaking when tired. At least this seems to be getting better, as for a while I could not remember the words "operation" or "tumour", which made it a bit hard explaining what I had been through.

I would like to be doing serious writing, but this is not possible. There is not enough of my brain functioning. So the blog will have to do.

Anyway, enough of this ramble.